Weekly Comics Round-Up

Every week (roughly) Aaron goes to the Laughing Ogre in Columbus, Ohio and spends far more money than his wife would prefer. He then comes back here and writes about the comics he reads that he thought were noteworthy. This isn't everything he picks up, just the things that he feels merit discussion - either for being really good, or for having something really wrong with them.

Countdown to Mystery 1
This book focuses on three of the major players in the mystic community of the DCU – the helmet of Dr. Fate, Eclipso and the Spectre. The rules of magic in the DCU have, after all, been rewritten following Infinite Crisis and the death of Nabu – something we also see this week in the pages of Countdown and Shadowpact. Though even with Nabu being dead, there must always be a Doctor Fate – and the helmet of fate finds a new Dr. Kent Nelson. This Nelson is a drunk, who has lost his wife and child and practice due to his own stupidity and depression. Nonetheless, he puts the helmet on when he finds it in the dumpster he was dumped in. The helmet fills him in on the history of the helmet, as well as reminding him of his own past – just in time for him to be attacked by a hell hound. He transforms into Dr. Fate and takes the hound out, and is then confronted by the beast’s master.

Meanwhile, the Spectre kills a serial killer – whose ghost then decides to follow the Spectre as he is drawn to another crisis. It’s a short story, all of two or so pages, but I imagine it’ll get picked up in later issues.

Finally we come to Eclipso. Jean Loring finds Plastic Man, and taunts him as they battle, eventually (probably) turning Eel O’Brian to the Dark Side. It’s an interesting little story, though I don’t really approve of Plas being so casually used. I think the character has a lot more inner strength then they let us see here. The issue ends with a flashback to Eclipso being drawn to Apokolips – where Darkseid tells us that he was the creator of the Black Diamonds. Interesting if true, and it means that Eclipso will no doubt be pulled into the ongoing murders of the New Gods.

A nice solid issue.

Captain America 30
The Winter Soldier has found the Red Skull in the body of Lushkin, and proceeds to beat the crap out of Crossbones and Syn while the Skull watches. Once the Skull finds out what he needed to know about Bucky, he uses an old Russian failsafe to shut him down – which leads to him torturing Bucky, probably in an effort to re-brainwash him.

As for the other folks who were a part of Steve’s life, we begin to see storylines come together as the Black Widow goes to find the Falcon and Agent 13 at Stark’s behest. Stark has begun to uncover Faustus’ involvement in S.H.I.E.L.D., and Natasha is there to check Sharon out. Of course, Sharon has an unexpected surprise as she finds a final “gift” left to her by Steve, which makes her perfectly receptive to another one of Faustus’ commands – one which bodes ill for the Falcon and the Black Widow.

Stark is on his way to the rescue in time for next issue, but before he leaves we get to see a final letter to Tony from Steve – one where Steve says that Captain America is bigger than he is, and that Tony shouldn’t let that die.

Personally, I’d still rather see Clint Barton take over the role, but it looks like Bucky may be wearing the mask of Captain America in a short time – provided the Skull doesn’t take him over first.

Penance: Relentless 1
I wasn’t thrilled with the last solo issue they gave Penance. I really like Robby Baldwin, and have ever since the first issue of Speedball. I felt like they didn’t quite know what to do with him following the transformation into Penance in the pages of Civil War. This issue, however, gets it.

Quite simply, Robby has lost it. He’s suffering from PTSD, and it has made him reckless, and obsessed with numbers. As one doctor observing him notes, the neurons in his brain were actually burned out by the stress, and so Robby is re-inventing himself. I have no clue what the deal with the numbers is, but I’m digging watching him throw off his handlers, and flummoxing the normally smooth Moonstone.

The big mystery of this issue, however, isn’t what the number patterns mean. It’s what Robby wants to get back from "the Leader of Latveria" – presumbaly Doom, but who can say?

Tales of the Sinestro Corps: Parallax 1
Kyle Rayner is possessed by Parallax. This is, clearly, a bad thing. There are any number of reasons why this is bad – as a symbol, Rayner represents the idea that the Corps will survive any disaster, he’s an amazingly creative artist which Parallax can now use against the Corps, and it means that Ion has lost his host (although he has since been rescued).

This issue lets us see how this is going on inside of Kyle’s head. He’s imprisoned in his own mind, and can see what Parallax is doing through him through a window in his mother’s house. Parallax comes in to taunt him, which leads to a fight – in which Kyle reinvents himself as a Green Lantern once again.

It’s really well done, and a nice reminder of the fact that Kyle has the will to be a Lantern, despite not being selected in a conventional manner. Kyle often gets the short-stick when compared to other Lanterns, but he has

World War Hulk 4
There isn’t a single thing bad about this issue. We begin with a battle between the possessed Dr. Strange and the Hulk. It seems the good doctor has drank the essence of a demon which fills him with rage and power. Enough power to hurt the Hulk, but enough rage to nearly kill a group of innocents – the same group of innocents who the Hulk saves. This is enough of a shock to Strange that the Hulk manages to defeat him, and is able to add Strange to the group of Illuminati who are no implanted with the same control discs the Hulk and his warbound once wore. While the Hulk puts them through the same trials he was put through, we see a flashback between the Sentry and Iron Man, as Tony tries to convince Robert that he needs to be the one to take out the Hulk – something which Robert fears to do, lest he lose control and the Void takes over once more. The issue ends with the Hulk signalling that the Illuminati in the arena must kill one another, which seems to be the trigger that Robert needs to decide that the Sentry must come into action.

It’s exquisitely put together, with great writing and amazing artwork. What amazes me, however, is how effective the scenes of ordinary humans watching and cheering the gladiator match are. Even more significant are the testimonials of Tom Foster and the others who believe (possibly correctly) that the Hulk is in the right here.

I still resent Planet Hulk for it’s length and annoyingness. But with how good World War Hulk has been, I’m beginning to forgive them for it.

A few books which don’t deserve an entire write-up, but are worth picking up if you get the chance. In Green Arrow and Black Canary: Wedding Special we have a generally fun issue, with nice characterization (if occasionally painted with too broad of strokes). My only complaints would be that it was generally predictable – even the wedding being crashed by villains. The ending irritated me, however. Dinah is better than that. Birds of Prey 116 is a good read, and lots of fun as we watch the Huntress chatting with Barbara via uplink while trying to stop a group of kids who are in danger of bombing the city because of being “fans” of the Aromic Skull. It was good, but ultimately unimportant as it did nothing to further any character’s story. Good filler, but filler nonetheless.

This particular week’s issue of Countdown was ok – but nothing terribly exciting happened. Stories are progressing as they should, but no major event happened this particular week. What I did find interesting was the new ad that DC is running to tease Final Crisis. The groupings in this double-page spread include A) The Trickster, holding a flute (presumably Piper’s) speaking with DeSaad and the Penguin. B) The Kingdom Come version of Superman standing besides the Cyborg Hank Henshaw, with a man who appears to be a version of the “back from the dead” Superman (long hair, and in all-black costume. His back is to us, but he wears a black cape with a silver “S” shield. C) The Joker whispering something into Catwoman’s ear, while the Martian Manhunter stands behind them both. D) A far too-excited Mary Marvel standing between Eclipso (Jean Lorring) and Granny Goodness, and finally E) Luthor, in the silver-age purple jumpsuit, wailing on the ground with blood on his hands. Interesting teases about what the future may hold.

Five superhero films no one should ever watch

Ever, ever, ever.

This weekend, some friends and I got together to watch movies. We had three genres, and the group picked the best and the worst in each. One of the genres was "superhero," and the consensus of the group (though not one I personally agree with) was that X-Men was the best, and that Superman IV was the worst (which I do agree with, mostly.)

But it occurred to me that, while The Quest for Peace is pretty much only watchable with either a lot of alcohol, or good friends to mock it with, there are lots of other terrible superhero films. So, here are five of the worst offenders, in chronological order.

The Batman (1943)
I don’t quite know where to begin with my critique of this movie. There are so many wonderful things about it, really, that I’m not sure which to start with.

Perhaps it’s the racial epithets Batman uses to describe our Japanese villain – I mean, really, don’t we all want to see the Dark Knight call someone “a filthy Jap”? Of course, there’s also the fact that this Japanese villain is played by a very Caucasian looking man. We’re not even talking Max Von Sydow as Ming level here, but just a clearly white man. Of special note, there’s Robin’s afro – a classic look, and one which I can’t figure out why they never included in the comics. This coordinates beautifully with the baggy tights which both Batman and Robin sport.

But really, the thing that I find most remarkable about this serial is the fact that, in an effort to end every episode with a cliffhanger, Batman and Robin each seem incapable of fighting off a single thug each. Really, why is this? I can forgive special effects of this era being primitive, and I’m even willing to grant them license for the racial epithets in light of the U.S. preparing to enter the war. But fist-fighting hasn’t evolved all that much in the past 60 years. Simple combat choreography should have been manageable, even then. If you want to inflict a racist, bad-looking Batman on us, so be it. But couldn’t he at least be competent?

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
In the late eighties, we were obsessed with worrying about a possible nuclear war. It only makes sense that someone would ask “Wouldn’t it be nice if Superman could take care of this for us?” And that’s what the makers of this film did. But oh boy, did they do a terrible job of it.

First off, it was about the preachiest movie I’ve ever seen. There are nuns in Catholic schools who could learn something about trying to make you feel guilty from this film – if you felt like torturing them in order for them to learn. But even getting past that, it’s just bad. Neither Hackman nor Reeves can save this one, though Reeves is really trying to. He delivers the worst line I’ve ever heard and makes them sound… well, like he means them. Hackman’s performance is phoned in completely, and the movie can’t even be consistent with its’ own rules (Nuclear Man enters a volcano to make it erupt – but he gets depowered without sunlight. And Luthor cuts through Superman’s hair with bolt cutters.)

Which really is what the worst part of the film is – the Nuclear Man. Who is created wearing a cape. Who has a mullet. Whose Lee-Press-On-Nails-of-Doom are what cripple Superman. And who forces us to endure one national monument after another be used to illustrate “Ooh, he’s a bad guy.” And Mark Pillow (yes, that’s his name) doesn’t even get to deliver his own lines! His voice is Gene Hackman’s.

I appreciate the fact that they tried to give Superman a supervillain to fight, but just say no to Nuclear Man.

The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)/The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989)
(I know I’m cheating by including both of these together – bear with me. That's how they're packaged if you buy them - which you should not, but I did.) Lou Ferigno wore a false nose and a wig, in addition to being painted green, in order to play the Incredible Hulk. This only added to how ridiculous he looked – but somehow it worked. And the series was entertaining, in a 1970’s kind of way, probably due to the incredible acting skills of Bill Bixby.

I remember watching re-runs as a kid on Saturday mornings, and really digging them. So when they announced made-for-tv movies with the Hulk returning, I was ecstatic and forced my parents to let me watch them. I owe my parents a lot.

Every single part of these movies was deplorable. The “ninja-costume” Daredevil. Thor, the ancient Viking warrior (not god) who is summoned by (but not transformed into by) Donald Blake. Bill Bixby with a beard. John Rhys-Davis as the Kingpin. It’s just a lot of pain. The even more remarkable thing is that each of these were intended to also be pilots for a Thor or Daredevil series. Obviously, these never came to be.

They were followed up with The Death of the Incredible Hulk, which was a decent enough film, except for the very ending. (Because a fall from a helicopter is enough to kill the Hulk. Really.) A Resurrection of the Incredible Hulk was promised, but never came to be, largely because Bill Bixby passed away before it could become a reality. Of course, frighteningly, these might have been used as pilots for a She-Hulk or Iron Man series.

Ang Lee’s Hulk wasn’t good, but it was a lot better than these two turkeys. Gamma bomb them from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Captain America (1990)
(singing) When Captain America (in his rubber costume complete with artificial ears) throws his mighty (made of hard, ridged plastic) shield…

We cringe. A lot. The costume was atrocious, right up there with the bat-nipples from Batman & Robin. The shield looked like a toy, not the mightiest weapon available to the U.S. A heat gun could’ve destroyed it – so much for an unbreakable shield.

For reasons that will never be known to me, they also decided that the Red Skull shouldn’t be a German Nazi. Instead, he’s an Italian fascist. And his face doesn’t actually look like a skull – it just looks oogie. When Captain America re-awakens in the modern era, the Skull has disguised his appearance by painting the red flesh colored. So, he looks marginally less oogie.

And once more, we’re treated to an incompetent superhero. This movie is only 17 years old. I know for a fact that there were movies made before this film that had good fight-scenes. But “the Living Legend,” the pinnacle of human achievement, the most highly trained warrior produced by the US army – he fights like a drunken seventh-grader.

Catwoman (2004)
Do you remember seeing Lee Meriwether, Eartha Kitt, Julie Newmar or Michelle Pfeiffer playing Catwoman? They did so in the 1960’s television series and movie, and then in Batman Returns. Each of them was sexy, cunning and dangerous, and played a marvelous rendition of Selina Kyle.

I remember when they announced that the woman responsible for wasting the role of Storm (and she did) was going to be playing Catwoman in her own feature film. And I thought, Well, this is a waste. Why didn’t they do this ten years ago when Michelle Pfeiffer could have starred in the role? Then they further announced that she wasn’t going to be Selina Kyle, she was going to be Prudence Price. Ok, I thought, well at least this atrocity won’t be connected to the character of Selina Kyle. She’s just some other crazy cat-lady.

And then I saw the preview images from the film. There was a reasonable costume for her to wear, which she began off in. And then there was this one. To which I could only think to myself, Well, I have now seen the only thing in this movie that could possibly be worth seeing – namely a mostly-nude Halle Berry.

Little did I realize how right I was. That image was the only thing worth seeing. Save yourself, and look at the screen-shots, but avoid this film.

So, which terrible superhero films are among your favorite (or most hated?)